Habits & Contradictions

There’s this really cute stud at this hotel and she’s standing right in front of me. Jesus Christ, her hands man.

I might have fallen in love.

As soon as I was about to land in Aruba when the plane flew over the water and down the runway, I fell in love with Aruba. For it being such a small island, there’s so much to do and so much to see in such a little amount of time. The buildings are cute and quaint but very colorful. It’s as if I’m walking through a spectrum of bright colors here. The weather here is lovely as well. It’s very hot and humid here but it’s really windy here so it’s just an equilibrium here in regards to the weather. The beaches are wonderful and my hotel is cute as well. I love everything about this place.

On Saturday when we landed, we just made it to the hotel and walked around the area for a little bit. While in the cab ride there, I asked our driver what language they speak here because when I landed, all of the signs were in Spanish. Their native language is a mix of Spanish and Dutch since we’re technically in the Dutch West Indies and because of the very close proximity to South America. Their laws are written in Dutch and there are various Dutch influences but they speak their native language to one another. On Sunday, we decided to take a trip to the beach. We left the hotel like around noon to Moomba Beach. There, I tanned, bought drinks and swam in the Caribbean Sea. It was so relaxing. That night, we just walked around, caught dinner and relaxed. On Monday, I woke up with my best friend and my dad and we went to work out. From then, we took a “bus,” which is actually like a van (a dollar van in Brooklyn), to their supermarket which is very huge, clean, and very technological savvy versus New York City’s supermarket. Their labels on certain foods are in Dutch and I saw a bunch of fruits that I never saw before there as well. Then on, we took a mini tour in the bus and then, we lounged by the pool until nightfall.

I have a couple of more days left here and I can’t wait to explore more of the land. I’m really trying to pick up the native language as well, but, it’s so hard lol.

Have fun America.

ladieslove-djbchery:

i wonder what you see in me

cause you seem to look past all my imperfections and flaws

and see the light in me

you make me feel like im not crazy, im human and its ok to react

inspire and motivate me to keep my mind in tact

you read me like a book

you sit there in silence

and observe every scenario of my daily life and how it effects me

my opinions and all you listen to me

you dont judge me, nor do you agree on everything i say

you simply let me breathe

because to you… im ok

lilkimjr:

someone please come over and feel how soft and smooth i am

I’m actually really excited to go. I don’t care that this vacation is supposed to be a “family” vacation. I’m not going to pay attention to my father or my brother. One of my best friends will be there but this trip isn’t even about her as well. I need a vacation from my life. I need a vacation from people and my emotions and from things that are giving me grief and stress. I need a vacation from my phone and people’s problems. I need a vacation from my heart. I need a vacation to clear my mind and my soul. Things are muddled in my brain and I need it to be clear to me. I need a vacation to get over any leftover feelings of resentment towards people and things. I need to get over my feelings for people in general. I need to find myself. I need to find my words again and write. I need to find peace and to be content with myself.

This is what I’m looking forward to for a week. Hopefully, everything will make a lot more sense when I come back on the 22nd.

I see nothing wrong with investing in someone to just cuddle with.

I know I’m fucking up. But I can’t seem to stop myself.

I don’t have the words anymore to describe how I feel. They change depending on the day and even so, I can’t talk about it. Nothing can describe how I’m feeling anymore.

I’ve taken up the celibate lifestyle this summer for one particular reason.

itsthelesbiana:

I want something real so bad, no one understands. 

I want to invest my time and give my feelings to a person who deserves it. Do not waste my time or accept my feelings because you think I’m pretty, or you’re bored, or you need to get your mind off of someone or something, or anything fucking else.

Get to know me for who tf I am let these other things just be bonuses for why you are here, why you want to be here and why you will continue to be here. 

I’m actually not upset by the chain of events that have been occurring in my life since January. 

I’m just hurt. 

But, this was bound to happen. 

desirethemoon:

How is it that I can forgive somebody but still when something reminds me of what happened I just shut down and have to struggle not to go into the place again. It’s like my insides freeze up. I’m in two different places emotionally right now and they’re not in dialogue at all. One person shows up and then another leaves.

itsthelesbiana:

Just imagine how much I could love you if you’d let me. 

The rain is making me so sleepy but I really want to write.

I physically can’t handle having guy friends anymore if they continue to ask me questions like:

“Oh, you’re still gay? Lol.”

Usually, my response is:

“You mad bro? Join everyone else.”

Lol my ex probably wants nothing to do with me anymore.

We haven’t spoken in a while and I don’t want anything more than friendship but I feel like we aren’t even friends anymore. We barely talk and if we do, it’s awkward. I miss my best friend but, I’m assuming this is the end.

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I fall in love with words ; with poetry, prose and language.

That’s all my heart has room for.

My dad came back from, what was supposed to be a day trip, Florida today. He left Friday morning and was planning on coming back Friday night. However, he didn’t come home until this afternoon because of the torrential rain (mini hurricane?) in Florida and NYC. When he came back, he told how he took a jet from Miami to Fort Lauderdale. What was supposed to be an easy 10 minute flight became a horrible one because there was terrible turbulence to the point that the jet just dropped in the middle of the air and essentially, it was free falling. Luckily, the pilot regained control and landed them safely. My dad was telling me the story and even laughed at this envelope in his hand, “haha. Here is my life insurance policy that I didn’t even get to mail out that day.”

Normally, I wouldn’t pay too much attention to that envelope and the whole situation because at the end of the day, I’m grateful that he’s still here, no matter what type of relationship we have. However, it’s a sad but rude awakening to realize that when you’ve lost one parent, losing the other parent isn’t something that you want to happen to you. I lost my mother when I was a pre-teen. So, ideally, losing my dad is something that can’t happen right now. I, kind of, need him. He’s my sole provider and for my family. He has to be around for other milestones in my life such as marriage, children, graduation from school, my first job, house, and everything. Selfishly, I want my dad to never die because I don’t think I can handle the death of my dad at anytime because I’m still barely handling the death of my mother. The wound is still fresh and it’s been almost seven years.

My dad isn’t afraid of death. But I’m afraid of his death and how it’ll effect me.

conflictsandcontrodictions:

“I still think of you, in the most selfish of ways”

adeana:

men

want to fix you
save you
or fuck you

I can’t be fixed

and I don’t care to be saved.

by staying-golden