Habits & Contradictions

I’m a junior at St. Saviour high school. My deficient all girl, catholic school. I take classes like Senior Calculus because I’m a g like that(lmfao). I take deficient Chemistry with an indian teacher that can barely pronounce my name(she calls me Gizzle-deadass.) I’m the only junior in the Senior Religion—Relationships class, because they couldn’t fit Junior religion in my schedule(cuz i’m an effin g like that). My english teacher intimadates the shit out of me and she tried to get David Letterman off the air( “his words are raping our children, etc, whatevs). French is the most deficient language i’ve ever had.(if i knew spanish like that, i woulda been in Spanish 4). My history teacher can’t teach for shit, i hate her and her effed outlines. I have triple frees,back to back-which sucks. Because, i dont have any work to do at those times.

But, ughhhh. everything is piling up slowly and horribly. i cant finish certain things at the time. and the whole procrastination thing is weighing me down. Junior year is hard work. i cant do this shit anymoreee.

im waiting to graduate in 2011, the best year ever. i want to skip junior year now. everything is pushing me closer to the edge and im scared.

questions make the world go round. do you have an answer for me?

stfuhannah:

And you hold me down and you got me living in the past come on and pick me up somebody clear the wreckage from the blast. I’m alive and I don’t need a witness you know that I survived I’m not looking for forgiveness yeah I just need light I need a light in the dark as I search for the resolution.

herewegoox3:

• instead of going to a party i’m on tumblr .
• i like video games , and boyish things .
• i understand harry potter references
• and laugh at them .
• i am extremely loud
• i argue about everything
• i’d rather make-out then talk
• im fat
• i make lists as to why i dont have a boyfriend .
• i wear t-shirts and jeans and sneakers , everyday .

shall i go on ?

My current Tumblarity at the moment is:

Tumblarity: 9

Okay, tumblr, I can’t tumble/blog everyday. It’s not fair that I can’t do it everyday and I lose 50 plus points from yesterday. Make ish more reasonable. I go to school. I’m trying to get into college. Shit, gimme some chances here. I liked myTumblarity at 70. Now, its horrible. ughhh.

Fail-Tumblarity

mikey-v:

To truly want someone and for the feeling to be mutual. I’m starting to think it is.

This isn’t the last time I would remember this.

The days turn old by the minute, becoming a new moment by the second.

I’ve always wanted to be a photographer. My mom was always fascinated with traveling the world and documenting her life. When we first moved into the present house I live in right now, we would go around, taking pictures with the old Polaroid Camera my dad owned. && we would just laugh at the ridiculous pictures. Because, we took pictures of the empty house, ourselves(sadly, I lost those pictures), the little furniture we had, the sky, birds perched on telephone/cable lines. Because, she taught me the beauty of things. No matter how miniscule or ridiculous. && she told me how photographers make their living based on randon pictures.

That always fascinated me and from then, I wanted to be a photographer. It was my dream,

But as life continues to progress and flourish, dreams get out on hold. They are written on a post-it, tacked to your wall of wants, dreams and desires-soon to be forgotten.

There was never enough money for a digital camera && that made alot of sense. We just moved into a new house, we had things to buy, repairs to make. Anyways, we couldn’t even find any Polaroid film anywhere. Basically, my dream floated away when my mom floated away from me too.

As I said in the beginning, this wouldn’t be the last time I would remember this. Because, forgotten, destoryed dreams can haunt the stablilty of your mindset. Because little things can remind you of the worst.

But don’t dread on these little things. They’ll go away soon. They will get old and then disappear.

As things become old, they become new.

So, I had this dream last night. && I was half way asleep(it was freezing in my room, the insulation in my house sucks). My sleeping habits are half-assed now. This on and off case of insomnia is tearing me apart at the seams slowly.

As I was saying, I was having this dream. Where was I? A street. It was daylight. There was this person next to me, a guy, who was holding my hand, and we were walking. I dont know who he is nor do I know what he looks like. We were just walking and I was smiling and he was laughing and telling me all of these jokes. He had a firm grip on my hand and that made me smile even more. Then, he said something. && I didnt hear him at first. So. I asked him to repeat it.

Him: Are you ready?

Me: Ready for what? where are we going?

Him: We are going anywhere but here.

Me: Where is that? I’m so lost. Why?

&& I turned to face mystery guy but there was this……thing that didnt allow me to see this guy’s face.

What was with all the secrecy? Was this guy’s identity not imperitive to the dream?

To me, it was.

Then, my friend woke me up, to ask me this deficient question and I almost flipped out. I hung up and went back to sleep.

**continuation of dream….

It was nighttime. && mystery boy had me in his arms. It was so nice. I have a thing for hugs. && he just kept whispering in my ear some reassurance, for what?

I dont know.

him: “Relax. We’re going to make it. Don’t cry. I have you here. We are going to make it and live our lives and be so happy. I’m not letting go of you.”

I pulled myself out of the hug and when I turned to look at him……

I woke up. Fail.

Moral of this story? these things dont happen to me. Im still stuck in the same place with the same people. and i damn sure dont get hugs like that. My imagination is running wild. ugh.

help?

quil:

Stuck in a alternate reality.

Trying to run from fantasy,

But it keeps on pulling me,

Could you help me out of here?

Need a hand hun? I’m running too.

has there ever been a time in your life where you felt like disappearing from your present location? because where you are right now, isn’t what you want? need? desire? lust for?

everything you want and need isn’t where you are. you need a new change in scenary. you need to see new things. new faces. experience new, foreign territory.

i want to get away. i want someone to come with me. a new guy or girl friend. one that i hope i wont fall for.

i want to disappear. into the winds and travel everywhere but here. i need something or someone.

right now.

i’ve never felt so lost in translation.

(via mikey-v)

i agree. i dont even know what is going on in my head. my thoughts aren’t that pretty. something is deff wrong with me.

I’m addicted to hugs. the end. i have a thing for affection.