Habits & Contradictions

I lost five pounds between the time span from May until now. Sure. It doesn’t seem like much. I’m a stress eater and I have too many damn cravings. But, it’s nice. I think I should keep this up. I’m trying to lose at least 25 pounds by next summer. Hopefully, I change my ways.

This is when I say that I miss you and I want you back in my life. again.

But, this is the part when I say that you aren’t good for me. We’re destructive and we’ll only destroy each other. 

I don’t ever think it’s you that I’ve been missing, it’s just the idea of you. The thought of someone I could talk to about everything everyday, someone to comfort me, someone to show me love when I needed it. You gave me that, but that’s the only thing I liked about you. Your love, not you.

My phone doesn’t exist anymore. I don’t text anyone. I don’t call anyone. I wish I could shut it off but I need to stay in contact with my dad and brother. Other than that, I don’t use it anymore. If people want to communicate with me, there’s email, mail, and Facebook.

I’m done with people. I need to start over.

I don’t understand why.

But I like playing with lighters. I like flipping them in my hands, lighting the fire and shaking it in my hand.

revengeofpandora:

I desire you. The kind of desire where I just want to be around you and feel at home. I want to know everything about you and I’ll tell you everything about me. I want to converse with you and not worry about sounding stupid in front of you because I’m over thinking everything in my mind. I want you to hold me and I’ll hold you in return. We could nap on my couch and you’ll nuzzle deeper into me and I’ll breathe in your scent that will surround me. My fingers will venture and tangle themselves in your hair and you’ll grip me tighter as if I’m the only thing you’ve got left. You’ll think I’m stupid for being self-conscious and then tell me that my flaws make me perfect. You’d kiss my blemishes and I’ll release a sigh of relief because Ill then know that you accept me-all of me. Our limbs will tangle and our lips will brush softly. I know this is different because I feel it. There’s nothing like wanting someone who wants you in return. The feeling of being so vulnerable because you hold the heart of someone who holds yours as well. I just want you to desire me in the way that I desire you. I don’t think you feel it, but whenever you’re near there’s a force that draws my attention towards you and all I want to do is allow gravity to draw me towards you and stay near you. I’m probably ridiculous, and I’ll stop eventually because I know we probably aren’t meant to be.

You tempt me. Although you might not be aware of my sublte advances, you dangle yourself as if you knew. But still, for the love of me I can’t let myself confess to you. I just can’t. I don’t know of it’s pride, fear or a combination of the both. It isn’t fair. I know you have no interest in me, but fuck, I wish you did. There must be something wrong with me because I want you so much that I push you away. How clever am I? I’ll never understand myself. I don’t ever know when the time is right. I hope that if I somehow wear my heart on my sleeve you’ll magically want me back.

Ive put so much effort into a lot of things and people haven’t done the same for me.

Excuse me if I just don’t care anymore.

How does it feel to be put in my shoes?

People should leave me alone.

People piss me off.

I think i should start doing things alone.

cdeeezy:

When you have school it’s different because you see a majority of your friends everyday. Over the summer, you find out who’s willing to hit you up first and make time for you. You realize who actually meant it when they said, “We should hangout over the summer” instead of being all talk. Those that are going to have your back when you’re in trouble and those that are just going to leave. Those that actually do everything to make sure you don’t become a stranger to them.

I’m so over these weird coincidences and I’m so over the irony.

Life, give me a fucking break.

I think I’m at a point where I might delete my tumblr. For good.

Your thoughts are never secretive anymore as soon as it’s released onto the internet. There’s no privacy. There’s no sense of boundaries anymore.

I like taking the long way home. It gives me time to be alone with my thoughts and clear my head.

There’s so much going on at once and I can’t wrap my head around it. Maybe I’m just complaining. But, I’ve had this same migraine for the past two days.

No one is helping my situation.

I follow a lot of beautiful people on Tumblr. A lot of beautiful women and men show up on my dashboard everyday. Sure, it’s lovely to appreciate a lovely face. A smile for her face, a compliment for his sense of style. It’s normal. Appreciating something beautiful is apart of our daily lives and if that includes physical appearance, there’s no harm in that.

But, these beautiful people speak beautiful words. That’s what i appreciate the most. To catch a glimpse into their personal thoughts, emotions, struggles, trials, events, moments that make them smile, puts everything on a different pedestal. To read the silent words of a poet or a writer in general, or to see life and words captured in a photo, that is beauty in itself.

People are more than just a pretty face.

They speak to be heard.

They write to be read and listened to.

You shouldn’t fall for a girl like me.

I’ll only hurt you in the end.

pattiocleavis:

Moth: I gave you my life. 

Flame: I allowed you to kiss me.

Hazrat Inayat Khan 

It’s a wonderful feeling to met someone new and to just vibe with them on the spot. She actually works at my job but she has a different position. I’m an assistant counselor and she’s an art assistant. But, that’s only semantics. Anyway, after my trip to the Bronx Zoo, the campers and I just chilled and went to arts and crafts. She was there and the campers continued the project they started the day before. So, she was painting. But, it was beautiful. Her art was astounding and flawless. So, I sat down and asked her about it. All she told me was that it represented satisfaction and curiosity. From then on, we just sat down for an hour and just talked, about artistic outlooks, perspectives and mediums. I haven’t met someone new and was able to just talk to them about anything in almost a year. It was crazy. This feeling I felt with her was lovely. 

I want it back. 

I’ve been hinting at my insecurities, hoping that you’ll try to save me; hoping that you can take me out of this dark abyss I’ve seem to drown myself in. 

cuntethics:

You’re charming. I’ll give you that, but you are completely full of shit.

Consistency is terrific:
shark-mouth
grubby interior with an
almost perfect body,
long blazing hair-
it confuses me and others

she runs from man to man
offering endearments

she speaks of love

then breaks each man
to her will

shark-mouthed
grubby interior

we see it too late:
after the cock gets swallowed
the heart follows

her long blazing hair
her almost perfect body
walks down the street
as the same sun
falls upon flowers.

-Charles Bukowski

I don’t, intentionally, try to hurt people. Well, at least that’s how I see it. I just never realize how serious things are. Maybe im a little fucked up for that. But, it’s never serious for me. Ive been a free spirit as of late and it’s all about going with the flow. At this point in my life, I’m trying to do all of things I missed out on, previously. So, I’m everywhere; never in one place or position for a long period of time. So, I can’t live a serious life. There was a time when I wanted stability and a constant, strong foundation for everything.

Now, things are different for me.

shukr:

Our eyelashes brushed like they would weave together by themselves, turning us into one wild thing. I say, “I think I missed you before I met you even. — Francesca Lia Block

hellsateenagegirl:

i wonder why i lose interest in people so easily. it’s like i meet them, i like them, we date, and then the feeling disappears in a matter of a week

is this normal? does this happen to any of you? what is my life

Story of my life.

You don’t love me. You don’t. You love the idea of me. You love the familiarity of us and who we are when we’re together. Keeping tell yourself this. You love me as a friend and as a person. You don’t love me for anything more than that.

I’m uncomfortable.

It’s not because of the heat. Trust me, this heat is rubbing me the wrong way. But, I’m uncomfortable. Uncomfortable with my life, my body, everything. Sure, it’s all about doing something about. But, it’s about time in my books. Between my job, babysitting my nephew, family things and more, I don’t have the time. I’m tired 95% of the time. The other 5% of my time is jam packed with iced coffee, lunch, 20 minutes to myself to just breathe and a walk. Other than that, I’m just uncomfortable. I’m itching and scratching at my skin to let these feelings loose. There are days where I’m fine and truly fine. But there are the days like yesterday and today that just set me back and put me back into this uncomfortable position.

I’m done.

62words:

I woke up early in the morning and promised myself then that I won’t shed a single tear today. I broke that promise five minutes later, as I found myself weeping to the fact that your heart is not mine anymore. It is always the hardest, waking up, because the moment my senses come alive, all they ever look for is you.

I almost died coming home today. It was so hot in the train station. I started to take my shirt off to just be in my under shirt and a creepy guy was staring at me through the train window.

My life is average.

There will be times where you want something but you can’t have it because it’s too late. The timing is off; it’s just a little too late. There was a time when I desperately craved some female attention from my sisters. After my mother died, at the age of thirteen, I didn’t know a thing about growing up, high school, periods, sex, bra sizes, and more. I fought constantly, trying to get my sister’s attention and for some guidance. In the end, I didn’t get any and I forced myself ignore those bitter feelings and learn it all by myself.

Sometimes, I still feel left out. I can’t go shopping by myself because I feel awkward. I used to shop all the time with my mom. Now, if I don’t have a close friend with me, I don’t go.

I’m weird. Maybe I’m just jealous of my friends. Shrug.

I love you. I do. I can go on and on on why you make me feel this way. But I won’t. It’s not necessary. However, as much as I love you, we can never be us. Not again.

I remember a time when I was really close with a guy friend who I rarely see now. I believe this was two years ago, something along those terms. He was talking to me about relationships. The girl that liked him, wanted a relationship. He didn’t. I remember asking him why he didn’t want one. Clearly, he liked her and cared about her a lot. But he didn’t want one. He told me that relationships just weren’t for him. Relationships made things too simple and after a while, he got bored and he simply didn’t care that much after a while. To a certain degree, I agree with him. The last relationship I had, everything seemed planned, drawn out and too simple for my liking. My feelings for the person during the relationship simply didn’t match up/compare to the feelings I had for them prior to the start of the relationship. I get bored and I start to slowly hate people. I’m so messed up. But what can I do? Nothing much.

You know your worth. This is what I constantly tell myself every morning. I know my worth. I know what and who I deserve and it’s anything more than great. So, I know when I’m being taken advantage of. A woman that I know decided that I poke too much fun when she tries to help me. So, she insulted me, my personality and my integrity. At first, I was really angry at the fact that she called me an immature, rude ass, among other things and then tried to take the conversation on a much lighter route. But, then, I just started to laugh at how much of a hypocrite she is and that she didn’t deserve me. It’s so easy for a person to lose themselves entirely in a relationship due to love. But, this was different. I’m worth more than this. As much as I want her, I can’t be treated as a crutch; as her wet rag that she continues to use whenever the timing gets bad.

gabforelle:

A catastrophe destined to be,
Just an incident yearning to happen,
So hurry and happen to me.