Habits & Contradictions

I’ve got absolutely nothing to smile about. Yet, everyday, I still manage to.

I think after everything I’ve been through, I’m just done. Ive given up the fight. Life wins and I lose. Sometimes, I wake up in the morning and I just say to myself “what else are you going to throw at me life? There is nothing left in me to fight.”

I used to be so strong. I was the strongest out of my whole family. When my father and brother would argue, even though it bothered me, I never let it show nor did I allow it to effect who I was. When my mother got really sick, I took care of her no matter what. I even skipped school some days just because I was worried that she wouldn’t be able to eat enough to sustain her. I never let her see me at my weakest point. I never shed a tear. Because the way I saw it, if she didn’t have my brother or my father, who else was going to be the strong one to be there for her. It was about support and I was the one to give it to her. When my mother and father would argue late at night when they thought I was asleep, they never knew I heard. It was the same argument over and over again. Yet, I didn’t let them know. I took it in, and kept a smile on my face because I was stronger than that. My mother always told me “only the strong survive. Don’t let things get to you. You’re better than that.” & I always told myself that I would live in my mother’s footsteps.

Then, everything came onto my shoulders, things happened and I’ve given up the fight. It’s about doing it in honor of my mother and the person she was, up until she died. But, things happen and it gets out of control and I don’t have an ounce of fight in me anymore. I just shrug my shoulders and keep it moving. This new attitude scares me and I don’t feel like the same person I was when I was 12.

To be honest, I don’t even recognize myself anymore. I’ve just given up to a certain degree. The extent of that degree? I haven’t figured out yet.

hell0andreas:

I never told you. I just held it in.

So many untold stories, unsaid thoughts and what I should have said. When I talk to you, I shut down completely. When I’m around you, you make me speechless. When you faded away, I second guessed everything. When we became distant, things changed. And when it felt like you’ve finally left, I needed closure.

It was so hard to walk away from her today. I care about her so much that I felt that it was necessary to do this. Not only for her, but for me. I’ve been thinking about doing this for a while. Usually, our breaks are never initiated by me. It’s usually the opposite but not because we want to. I had to do this. Emotionally, I couldn’t do it anymore. Physically, I couldn’t do it. Mentally, I couldn’t do it. I craved to commit to a girl who came and went as she pleased. I craved to commit to a girl that was there when I needed her and not there when I needed her. But, I loved her. I still love her. Love is such a finicky emotion. They say when you love someone, hold onto them and never let them go. But, I had to. I needed something more than what it was. Because it wasn’t enough. Ironically, it’s all I ever wanted.

They say that you can’t help who you fall for. You don’t go looking for love, it finds you at the weirdest times and you accept it. From the start, I never looked for love, especially not in anyone in particular. When I was introduced to her, all I saw was this female that makes me laugh and smile from ear to ear. Who knew that the emotions I was feeling would turn into love? Those good morning and good night texts. Those oovoo and Skype conversations that lasted from sundown until sunrise. Falling asleep on the phone with her. Calling her when I was drunk and vice versa just to spill all of the disgusting, gay emotions I felt for her. The first time she told me she loved me, both in French and English. That warm feeling I felt every time I spoke to her, saw her face or read her texts never dissipated. I’ve never knew what love felt like until I met her and I’m forever grateful. She was my…I don’t even know but she meant a lot to me. So much, that I can’t even say goodbye to her.

Yeah, I guess you’re right. So I guess this is goodbye?

Shrug.

How hard is it to say goodbye to the person you love? Willingly, at that. It’s the hardest fucking thing to do. I feel like I keep saying goodbye to everyone I love and it’s just…..

I love you Cherlynn. I should’ve said it one more time. I’ll see you around, I guess. Shrug. Honestly. I don’t know what to do with myself.

applecores:

I cannot sleep no matter how hard I try. And I have to wake up in 4 hours.

I’m just….

nostalgic-souls:

I no longer check for you. I no longer argue with you. Hell, I don’t even waste my words on you anymore. I’ve had my breaking point with you. And there’s no piecing it back together. Your job was to be there for me, to support me, and to care and have love for me. But you played pretend the whole time. Pretending to be something that you’re not, and as soon as you have me fooled, you showed your true colors, thinking that I wasn’t strong enough to leave. Little do you know, I’m stronger than you think. 

simplydop3:

• Crush on someone you don’t know very well
• Spend time with them
• Realize that maybe you two should remain friends because of reasons, mostly because it is obvious that they will never see you in the way that you see them.
• Stay friends, Deal with it.
• The End

No big deal,bro

People make it seem like they don’t have any means of contacting me at all and I’m just supposed to sit here and act like everything is all fine and dandy. 

I miss you.

Here’s the thing: you really don’t miss me. 

Well, I don’t miss you either. & I’m fine with that.

applecores:

You know when you first get a cold, and you’re like “maybe it’s just allergies” even though it feels nothing like allergies, and you’re in denial, and then you’re all like “maybe it’ll be over really quickly this time”, and continue to deny that it’s a cold, but then you suddenly can’t breathe out of your nose and your throat feels like there’s a cheese grater in it and your unattractively mouth breathing all over the place? Yeah, that’s me right now.

GPOY

So determined to go see Fun. on June 16th at Terminal 5. Nothing will stop me!

When I was younger, getting sick meant my mom taking care of me, giving me soup and water and medicine. Now, getting sick means trying to finish my college papers with a fever. 

demi-vierge:

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In the middle of french class yesterday, I texted my friend who attends college in Colorado. I missed her and I was in the mood to talk to someone new. Little did I know that I’ll be having a huge heart to heart and revelation session while trying to learn how to say “we drink beer and wine for Jack’s surprise birthday party” in French. She updated me on her relationship status as of late and why she wasn’t with the girl we are both friends with. So, she started to tell me and I said:

Me: well, people blow. Love doesn’t exist. People use that term too loosely.

Immediately, she agrees and then asks why did I respond so passionately. So, I told her what’s been on my mind for a while. I just let it out and I never felt so much better. My friend didn’t know about my complicated love life because we weren’t even that close until our college winter break. So, I spilled my heart out and she listened (and I got in trouble with my french teacher). But, it was refreshing. She listened and put her input when it was needed. Finally, when I ended the conversation, she told me one thing:

Her: Break the cycle or you’ll keep falling back into the same old routine.

Because, I’ve been falling into the same routine for a really long time. I’m put into a position where I’m falling and then I fall…but there’s no one there to catch me. Shrug. I don’t even care anymore. I’ve realized that it had to happen because then you realize that you need to be stronger for yourself. I need to break a cycle I keep putting myself in or who knows where i’ll be. I’m better than that. I’m better than this. I just need more people to tell me this. 

So, I need to get my life together and start over. Again. This cycle is over with.

It has. Lord knows it has been *___* :D but, I’ve always been like that. Hm. Maybe there’s something wrong with me.

But I don’t crave sex a lot. I see my friends talk as if they’re going through numerous dry spells. The talks revolving around sex is crazy and it’s as if they need sex a lot. With me? I’m just, okay, so, I don’t really need it and I’m fine without it. Why do people want it so bad but yet I don’t ? Shrug.

maliha-:

I wish I was beautiful for you. Like the type of beauty your soul quenches for. That even when you’re filled to the rim with me, you’d still be aching for more. Inhale me like the cigarette stitched between your fingers and let me become the routine you helplessly give into. Take what is left of my innocence and own me. Take me, before I take control of you.

I think what I really want to do right now is take a creative writing class. There’s nothing else I want to do except take this class. Sadly, my school doesn’t offer creative writing classes. Well, if they do, it’s probably only for English majors/minors and/or writing minors. Sigh. This lack of motivation is killing me slowly. I look at my red moleskin, empty because I have nothing to write about. This isn’t even writers block. At this point, I’m desperate for an idea just so I can have writers block. At least I’ll have an idea and I’ll start writing. But this ? This is far more worse than writers block. The itch, desire, craving to write fiction is getting at me. I feel as though I’m walking through life like a zombie. I’m zoning out frequently. I’m day dreaming constantly, trying to spark an idea from my imagination. I’m not even focusing on life right now. All I want to do is achieve an idea, lock myself away in a room and write. I want my words to reflect my thoughts and emotions. This pent up frustration is eating at me and I don’t know how long I can keep up this facade of “everything is fine. It’ll come to you soon.”

I just want someone to take care of me for once. I’m done with that.

At first, it was just a normal day to me. The person I wanted to be my valentine has been doing this thing where they disappear for a while and come back later. blah. So, then I decided “whatever, life keeps moving.” So, I just had a normal day. I wore pink and I walked around with a huge smile on my face. Because, even though valentine’s day is just another holiday created by the industry to promote chocolate, balloons, flowers, etc. I believe that you celebrate the one you love 365 days of the year. You shouldn’t go all out on just one day, that makes no sense to me. Shrug. Then, during philosophy, I sent a text to a guy I haven’t spoken to in a while. From then on, we just talked for hours upon hours, and it was lovely. He’s such an amazing guy. It’s so hard to find someone to just talk to without any pretenses of sex or anything along those terms. He then asked me to be his valentine and he makes me smile. ahhh. lol. so, yes. such a great day. we have a date next week.  

everythangiloveleaves:

Shit, I can’t even keep a relationship for more than two months.

I’m at a point in my life where I want a boyfriend( or girlfriend) possibly. I want to try go be serious with someone now. I want to be able to say “hey, this is my partner and I’m madly in like with them.” the idea of relationships scare me slightly but I just want to find the right person thatll be there for me with all of my baggage and insecurities. To be able to call someone “mine” is something I’m looking forward to.

Plus, the fact that I can have sex anytime I want, is a bonus.

You know that feeling you get when you know that someone is avoiding you for reasons unknown to you? Yup.

I’m feeling this right now.