Habits & Contradictions

I was in love with you. I wasn’t discreet about it. You can see it all over my tumblr. But, at the time, I didn’t care. I was me and you were you. Nothing and no one got in between us.

Sigh.

We lived in that ignorant bubble for too long.

I had the weirdest dream and it gave me a sense of deja vu. Mixed with a feeling of dread and confusion, I’m glad I was home today. It bothered me more than it should.

So, it was about her(if you’ve been following my blog and updates about life, you’ll know who “her” is). In the dream, I logged into facebook and saw that she added me as a friend and that she went me a facebook message. Instantly, I logged off and went on tumblr. There, I saw that she wrote a post about me, saying that she misses me, loves me and wish that we never stopped talking. So, I check the message she left me on facebook and it’s the same message she left me when we got into an argument and stopped talking before. 

All I can think of was “why am I going through this again?”

I responded to her message the same way I did last time. Saying such things as I’m afraid to do this again, I don’t trust you, etc. etc. The usual statements people say in situations they want to avoid.

The rest of the dream is rather foggy, but that’s besides the point. I shouldn’t be dreaming about her. There’s nothing left to say and nothing left to do. Knowing my bad luck, this might just happen. But, I won’t put myself back into that situation. As much as I do miss her(I’m pathetic), she’s ridiculous, I’m ridiculous, this whole situation is ridiculous and I’m done. However, it’s bothering me that I’m dreaming about this and her. 

Sigh.

I just found your song that you wrote for me.

Wallowing in my own self pity as I listen to it.

How do you let go of something you never had in the beginning? Is there some sort of unknown attraction and hold that you just can’t let go of? Is it just the want to hold onto it still or the loose ends that were never tied?

She’s no you. I’m no her.

erica-mariana:

I feel so pathetic.

How did this even happen? How did I grow something for you? Why did I even allow it? I hate this. fucking hate it. 

(via dumbassness-deactivated20120925)

fragile-bird:

When was the last time you thought of me?

Or have you completely erased me from you memory?

(via thenipplesgone-deactivated20110)

I need to start cleansing my life. Does that even make any sense? Who knows? I just want to get rid of anything and everything that reminds me of you. It just seems harder than usual.